Forgiveness Isn't For Them

Forgiveness. It’s a word commonly heard, commonly said. But, if you’re like me, putting it into practice? Well, that’s an entirely different story. For me, it’s hard to forgive someone because I’m afraid that if I forgive them, it’s the same thing as saying “it’s okay that you did that”; thus, potentially leaving the door wide open for them to do it again. It’s as if me forgiving you is equivalent to me dismissing your wrongdoing s as if they were no big deal. And, as we all know, there are some things that break us into a million pieces and are essentially “unforgivable”. How do you forget that a person lied, cheated, abused, and/or wronged you? How do you listen to the voices from those insensitive people that say ”just get over it already”? How do you just move on, past the devastating suffering and anguish that shook you to your core, molded you, changed who you are as a person, for better or for worse?

The simple truth is, you don’t. You never have to be okay with it. You never have to sit there and tell yourself, or someone else, that what happened to you was okay. To me, that’s as if making it seem as though you were in the wrong and that it’s something about yourself that you have to apologize for. To put it mildly, that is not the case. You have every right to be angry, to be hurt. You’re allowed to grieve, to cry, to scream, to throw things (just not at someone; that may cause bigger issues that you’ll have to deal with in the aftermath).

However, after you’ve gone through all of the necessary emotions and dealt with the new reality in your own, individual way, you must allow yourself to move on. The most important thing to remember about moving on is that you in no way are saying that the transgression was acceptable and that you would allow it to happen again. To forgive is to allow the weight (whether it’s 2 ounces or 85 pounds) to be lifted off of your shoulders, your mind, and your heart. To forgive someone is to take away the power that person still has over you. Yes, you read that right. When you can’t muster up the strength to forgive someone, they possess a power over you. And unfortunately, some people, some heartless and sadistic people, see that as a victory. They see it as you being weaker, less resilient than they are. This also makes you look like vulnerable and more susceptible prey for them to do it again. When you forgive someone, you take that power away from them and disable them from hurting you in the future.

When you forgive someone, you are not doing it for them. You aren’t doing it for their peace of mind or for them to be able to sleep at night. In fact, you are doing it for you. Once you forgive someone, you will notice the absence of that weight that has been residing on top of your heart. It’s similar to being in a dark room and not being able to see five feet in front of you. All you can see is the darkness, the emptiness. That dark abyss can be crippling and can prevent you from being able to do normal, everyday activities especially ones that you used to do flawlessly before you had these horrible acts committed against you. To resolve that dark room and to allow yourself to see what is in front of you, you have to open up that curtain. It might be hard and you may want to stay in bed, under the covers where it is safe.  Maybe you don’t have the energy, or the strength. Maybe you’re scared of what the light will bring because you have been stuck in the dark for far too long. You fear the unknown. Maybe you’re scared of getting burned from the sun again. But you’ll never know until you rip open those curtains and let the light stream in.

Forgiveness is that one step, that one gesture that lets the light seep back in. And I promise you, it’s better than the darkness. You will finally remember what it feels like to bask in the radiance of the sun and to feel its rays on your bare skin.

Now, I’m not saying that forgiveness is as easy as just pulling open some curtains. It’s hard; probably one of the hardest things a person may ever learn to do. It’s also not something you can do in one fell swoop. Just as you have to get up and open those curtains every day, you have to decide to offer forgiveness every day. Some days will prove to be more difficult than others. Some days, you’re going to feel like you’ve taken three steps back. But no matter what happens, you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and march onward.

Here’s a short list of examples of the forgiveness I have to muster up every day, in order for me to have a clear mind and a light heart:

- I forgive the friends that have broken promises or spoke empty words that were inevitably contradicted by their actions. I forgive the ones who sometimes make my heart hurt when I think about how much I’ve needed them in the past and they were nowhere to be found.

- I forgive the “friends” who conveniently dropped off my grid when I was going through troubled times and could no longer go out and party and be a good time. I forgive them for the “fair-weather” nature of their friendship and accept that my idea of friendship is much different than theirs.

- I forgive the people (i.e. douchebags) who cut me off in traffic, tailgate me even when I’m going above the posted speed limit, and seemingly have no knowledge of what a turn signal is.

- I forgive the man who was supposed to be the main guy I counted on, the one to teach me how a man should treat me, should love me. I forgive him for not teaching me these things and, in turn, being the first man to break my heart. I forgive him for choosing the bottle over me countless times, even though I begged and pleaded and did my best to be the “perfect little girl” in hopes that I would finally be the first choice; I never once was his first choice, though, not once. I forgive him for playing a huge role in me becoming a young woman with trust and commitment issues a mile long, with walls 80,000 feet high. I forgive him for diminishing most of my innocence and not allowing me to really be a kid.

- I forgive the people who, just now, walked by me, while I sit here in (almost) total peace and quiet, trying to write this, as they hoot and holler, curse and make derogatory remarks. But seriously, SHUT UP. I forgive you, though.

- I forgive the woman who is suffering from a very horrible and all-encompassing disease that essentially turns her into a different person. I forgive the anger and the meanness; I try to keep in mind that when this side comes out, it isn’t her, it’s the disease. I forgive the pain and heartache that is felt by not only me, but also the most significant and treasured person in my life; someone who I cannot bear to see hurting in any way.

- I forgive the man (for lack of a better term) who put me through two years of hell. The pain and torture inflicted upon me mentally, physically, and emotionally, is something that no one should ever have to go through, but I forgive him. I also forgive him for the one thing that he did, which broke me, beyond comprehension. I forgive him for this horrible, disgusting act of vengeance and hatred that drained me of the rest of my innocence and somewhat rose-colored view of the world. I will never be the same again. It’s not okay, and it will never be “okay”, but I forgive him. It is he who has to live with his actions, not me.

- I forgive the boy who sat behind me in first grade who endlessly teased and picked on me, and, on a handful of occasions, sent me into the girl’s bathroom crying my little eyes out. At the time, it felt like it was pure torment, but I realize now it was because that’s how little boys acted when they had a crush on someone. Hell, there are still some grown men who use that method to express their attraction to someone. I guess some things never change.

- I forgive the first (and only) boy I ever loved for finally giving up on me after I hurt him one too many times. I also forgive him for the pain that he caused me once I saw how far down the wrong road he had gone. I forgive him for the unnecessary guilt I felt from thinking that I was the sole cause for his drug abuse and subsequent troubles.

- But most of all, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for the countless mistakes I have made throughout my 23 years on Earth. I forgive myself for the pain I might have caused the various people whose paths crossed mine at some point in time. I forgive myself for turning to the wrong vices when I was hurting. I forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for getting too intoxicated at times and ultimately saying things I don’t mean, to the people I love the most. I forgive myself for making clearly bad judgment calls in the disaster known as my “love life”. I forgive myself for flipping people off or calling them a not-so-flattering name when, as previously mentioned, they anger me while I’m driving. I forgive myself for being a rebellious teenage brat when I was younger and therefore being the cause of a few gray hairs on my mom’s head. I forgive myself for staying in the aforementioned abusive relationship for far too long. I forgive myself for procrastinating way too often. I forgive myself for getting angry and annoyed at things that should just roll off of my back. I forgive myself for breaking my first love’s heart. I forgive myself for having days where all I can do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I forgive myself for not having it all figured out. I forgive my future self for probably never having it all figured out. I I forgive myself for not being the best daughter, friend, sister, and person that I can be. I forgive myself for being a perfectly imperfect twenty-something.

And the list goes on. I challenge you to empower yourself; take the control away from the person who wronged you and place it back into your own hands. They do not deserve your time, energy, or power. You on the other hand? You deserve it all, and more.