Text Messages I Actually Want To Send

I think that everyone can relate to the feeling of wanting so badly to say something to someone without any repercussions or being judged by the recipient. Here are some text messages that I have wanted to send in the past, but didn’t. For those of you who know me, don’t take it too personally or read too far into them. They probably aren’t even about you. Actually, they probably are. Sorry?

Actually, I didn’t remember that. I got you confused with a different guy.

You never ask me how I’M doing. Ever. Yet you think it is necessary to text me five times in a row without a reply, telling me about how the barber didn’t cut your hair the way you wanted them to and oh yeah, you bought these new plaid pants and omg they looked really good but now you realize you don’t have a shirt that you can wear with them and oh man, you brought them home and tried them on AND THEY DON’T FIT and now you don’t know what you’re going to do why does this always happennnnnn. So then when I proceed with “haha” or “that sucks”, you move on to the next subject. JUST STOP. Or even better, get a Twitter.

I feel like sometimes I’m annoying you. I never worry about that with anyone else, ever, because usually I’m the one annoyed. Can you just, like, tell me if I text you too much? Actually, don’t. I don’t want to know.

Hey dude I met online but never actually met in person. Remember that picture of your penis that you sent to me? Yeah, I showed it to my best friend and we cried laughing for about ten minutes. Sorry. I didn’t show her the video though, I was too embarrassed for you.

I call other people “babe”, too.

I’m not wearing that fancy lingerie that I described to you in detail. It’s in my closet. I’m actually in sweatpants and a sports bra, eating oreos and watching How I Met Your Mother.

I look at how long it takes for you to text me back and add five minutes on to my next reply time.

I think you just want attention. Every time you text me, I roll my eyes.

The only reason I texted you was because it’s 2am, I’m drunk, and I just got into a fight with the guy I’m “talking” to and I needed an ego boost.

You aren’t a rock star. And quite honestly, you look like a fool to EVERYONE. Why not just try being yourself instead of embellishing EVERY SINGLE THING IN YOUR LIFE TO TRY AND BE “COOL”. Can you just not. Ugh.

I’m on the phone with a guy that I actually like. You texting me, telling me what you want to “do” to me is just awkward.

IT’S YOU’RE* NOT YOUR.

I actually didn’t mean to send that text to you. But since you made such a big deal out of it and you said that it made you smile….well…

PLEASE JUST STOP WHINING AND GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF.

Don’t you ever get tired of texting me first every single time?

I’m tired of texting you first every single time.

Actually, I’m not busy. And it’s not even that I don’t want to see you. I just have plans to eat taco bell and have a Dexter marathon. I HAVE MY PRIORITIES OKAY.

I fucking adore you and think you are the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I want to be with you and spend all day in bed and watch movies and cuddle and play in the rain and do all those cutesy things that couples do even though I normally want to gag when I think about being in a relationship but you’ve just changed everything and ugh I just want you. Oops. I hate autocorrect. I really just meant to say “hey”. But um, just for shits and giggles, what do you think about all of that?

You’re selfish and mean and I don’t know why I let you walk all over me. I should tell you to go kick rocks. But…hey.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. I only said it because I know that’s what you wanted to hear.

Actually, that fight you got into with your girlfriend? You’re totally in the wrong. You were being an asshole. Suck up your pride and go apologize, because she honestly could do better.

Do you remember that night? Does it haunt you like it haunts me? Do you even feel the least bit guilty or disgusted with yourself?

YOU’RE LYING. I know that you’re lying because I saw it on social media. I really did just accidentally see the picture AND OMG YOU’RE LYING. JUST STOP LYING.

After all the things you said to me and then talking about how annoying your ex-girlfriend is, how did you end up with her a week later? And you didn’t even have the decency to just tell me, but instead stopped talking to me all-together, even though you knew I just wanted to be friends anyway? It doesn’t make sense. You’re an idiot.

Please stop making my feelings for you get stronger. Please.

Thanks for that one night. We met exactly when I needed you to help me forget about him. I don’t really care to see you again, nothing personal because you seem cool, but thanks.

I really am sorry that we drifted so far apart. I was in a bad place and let him completely control my life. I miss you. I love you.

I think you’re really freaking cute. I’m pretty sure you’re into me too. Can we please just not do the games and go on a date already?

I’m so glad you texted me last minute to bail on me. I really didn’t want to go out anyway, but I just didn’t have the balls to say it.

I’m horrible, actually. My head is spinning and I feel like the ground is crumbling at my feet. I hate everyone and everything and all I want is for someone to come hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me that it’s going to be okay and I want to run away with them to some deserted island and I want to cry and scream and throw things and lay flat on the floor until I feel like facing the world again. But I’m just going to say “I’m fine” because that’s what normal members of society do and I don’t even know you that well.

I hate when you use “k” instead of “okay” and “2” instead of “to”. Please, you need help. Maybe there’s a “Lazy Texters Anonymous” meeting you can go to? I’ll even be your sponsor.

You are the most attractive man I have ever met.

I really think you might be gay. It's TOTALLY OKAY. There is nothing wrong with it whatsoever and you know I'm a HUGE advocate for equal rights. I'd have so much more respect for you if you just admitted it to yourself and everyone else. Love ya.

I’m actually really freaking jealous and wish you hadn’t told me, but I’m not gonna tell you that because it isn’t even justified.

Please stop putting personal photos on Pinterest. That's not what it's for.

I’m sorry that our 8-year friendship/flirtation/eventual friends-with-benefits ended like that. I still think about you sometimes.

The reason I haven't texted you is simply because I haven't thought about you. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it's the truth.

Actually, I wasn’t sleeping, I was on the phone with someone else. Then when I got off, I decided to get pizza and walk my dog and paint my nails and when I finally remembered that you had texted me, 4 hours had passed. Oops.

Stop sending me stupid poems. Actually, if you could stop texting me, that’d be greeeeeat.

I love you.