Forgiveness. It’s a word commonly heard, commonly said. But,
if you’re like me, putting it into practice? Well, that’s an entirely different
story. For me, it’s hard to forgive someone because I’m afraid that if I
forgive them, it’s the same thing as saying “it’s okay that you did that”;
thus, potentially leaving the door wide open for them to do it again. It’s as
if me forgiving you is equivalent to me dismissing your wrongdoing s as if they
were no big deal. And, as we all know, there are some things that break us into
a million pieces and are essentially “unforgivable”. How do you forget that a
person lied, cheated, abused, and/or wronged you? How do you listen to the
voices from those insensitive people that say ”just get over it already”? How
do you just move on, past the devastating suffering and anguish that shook you
to your core, molded you, changed who you are as a person, for better or for
worse?
The simple truth is, you don’t. You never have to be okay
with it. You never have to sit there and tell yourself, or someone else, that
what happened to you was okay. To me, that’s as if making it seem as though you
were in the wrong and that it’s something about yourself that you have to
apologize for. To put it mildly, that is not the case. You have every right to
be angry, to be hurt. You’re allowed to grieve, to cry, to scream, to throw
things (just not at someone; that may cause bigger issues that you’ll have to
deal with in the aftermath).
However, after you’ve gone through all of the necessary
emotions and dealt with the new reality in your own, individual way, you must
allow yourself to move on. The most important thing to remember about moving on
is that you in no way are saying that the transgression was acceptable and that
you would allow it to happen again. To forgive is to allow the weight (whether
it’s 2 ounces or 85 pounds) to be lifted off of your shoulders, your mind, and
your heart. To forgive someone is to take away the power that person still has
over you. Yes, you read that right. When you can’t muster up the strength to
forgive someone, they possess a power over you. And unfortunately, some people,
some heartless and sadistic people, see that as a victory. They see it as you
being weaker, less resilient than they are. This also makes you look like
vulnerable and more susceptible prey for them to do it again. When you forgive
someone, you take that power away from them and disable them from hurting you
in the future.
When you forgive someone, you are not doing it for them. You
aren’t doing it for their peace of mind or for them to be able to sleep at
night. In fact, you are doing it for you.
Once you forgive someone, you will notice the absence of that weight that has
been residing on top of your heart. It’s similar to being in a dark room and not
being able to see five feet in front of you. All you can see is the darkness,
the emptiness. That dark abyss can be crippling and can prevent you from being
able to do normal, everyday activities especially ones that you used to do
flawlessly before you had these horrible acts committed against you. To resolve
that dark room and to allow yourself to see what is in front of you, you have
to open up that curtain. It might be hard and you may want to stay in bed,
under the covers where it is safe. Maybe
you don’t have the energy, or the strength. Maybe you’re scared of what the
light will bring because you have been stuck in the dark for far too long. You
fear the unknown. Maybe you’re scared of getting burned from the sun again. But
you’ll never know until you rip open those curtains and let the light stream
in.
Forgiveness is that one step, that one gesture that lets the
light seep back in. And I promise you, it’s better than the darkness. You will
finally remember what it feels like to bask in the radiance of the sun and to
feel its rays on your bare skin.
Now, I’m not saying that forgiveness is as easy as just
pulling open some curtains. It’s hard; probably one of the hardest things a
person may ever learn to do. It’s also not something you can do in one fell swoop.
Just as you have to get up and open those curtains every day, you have to
decide to offer forgiveness every day. Some days will prove to be more
difficult than others. Some days, you’re going to feel like you’ve taken three
steps back. But no matter what happens, you must pick yourself up, dust
yourself off, and march onward.
Here’s a short list of examples of the forgiveness I have to
muster up every day, in order for me to have a clear mind and a light heart:
- I forgive the friends that have broken promises or spoke
empty words that were inevitably contradicted by their actions. I forgive the
ones who sometimes make my heart hurt when I think about how much I’ve needed
them in the past and they were nowhere to be found.
- I forgive the “friends” who conveniently dropped off my
grid when I was going through troubled times and could no longer go out and
party and be a good time. I forgive them for the “fair-weather” nature of their
friendship and accept that my idea of friendship is much different than theirs.
- I forgive the people (i.e. douchebags) who cut me off in
traffic, tailgate me even when I’m going above the posted speed limit, and
seemingly have no knowledge of what a turn signal is.
- I forgive the man who was supposed to be the main guy I counted
on, the one to teach me how a man should treat me, should love me. I forgive
him for not teaching me these things and, in turn, being the first man to break
my heart. I forgive him for choosing the bottle over me countless times, even
though I begged and pleaded and did my best to be the “perfect little girl” in
hopes that I would finally be the first choice; I never once was his first
choice, though, not once. I forgive him for playing a huge role in me becoming
a young woman with trust and commitment issues a mile long, with walls 80,000
feet high. I forgive him for diminishing most of my innocence and not allowing
me to really be a kid.
- I forgive the people who, just now, walked by me, while I
sit here in (almost) total peace and quiet, trying to write this, as they hoot
and holler, curse and make derogatory remarks. But seriously, SHUT UP. I
forgive you, though.
- I forgive the woman who is suffering from a very horrible
and all-encompassing disease that essentially turns her into a different
person. I forgive the anger and the meanness; I try to keep in mind that when
this side comes out, it isn’t her, it’s the disease. I forgive the pain and
heartache that is felt by not only me, but also the most significant and
treasured person in my life; someone who I cannot bear to see hurting in any
way.
- I forgive the man (for lack of a better term) who put me
through two years of hell. The pain and torture inflicted upon me mentally,
physically, and emotionally, is something that no one should ever have to go
through, but I forgive him. I also forgive him for the one thing that he did,
which broke me, beyond comprehension. I forgive him for this horrible,
disgusting act of vengeance and hatred that drained me of the rest of my
innocence and somewhat rose-colored view of the world. I will never be the same
again. It’s not okay, and it will never be “okay”, but I forgive him. It is he
who has to live with his actions, not me.
- I forgive the boy who sat behind me in first grade who
endlessly teased and picked on me, and, on a handful of occasions, sent me into
the girl’s bathroom crying my little eyes out. At the time, it felt like it was
pure torment, but I realize now it was because that’s how little boys acted
when they had a crush on someone. Hell, there are still some grown men who use
that method to express their attraction to someone. I guess some things never
change.
- I forgive the first (and only) boy I ever loved for
finally giving up on me after I hurt him one too many times. I also forgive him
for the pain that he caused me once I saw how far down the wrong road he had
gone. I forgive him for the unnecessary guilt I felt from thinking that I was
the sole cause for his drug abuse and subsequent troubles.
- But most of all, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for
the countless mistakes I have made throughout my 23 years on Earth. I forgive
myself for the pain I might have caused the various people whose paths crossed mine
at some point in time. I forgive myself for turning to the wrong vices when I
was hurting. I forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for
getting too intoxicated at times and ultimately saying things I don’t mean, to
the people I love the most. I forgive myself for making clearly bad judgment
calls in the disaster known as my “love life”. I forgive myself for flipping
people off or calling them a not-so-flattering name when, as previously
mentioned, they anger me while I’m driving. I forgive myself for being a
rebellious teenage brat when I was younger and therefore being the cause of a
few gray hairs on my mom’s head. I forgive myself for staying in the
aforementioned abusive relationship for far too long. I forgive myself for
procrastinating way too often. I forgive myself for getting angry and annoyed
at things that should just roll off of my back. I forgive myself for breaking
my first love’s heart. I forgive myself for having days where all I can do is
cry and feel sorry for myself. I forgive myself for not having it all figured
out. I forgive my future self for probably never having it all figured out. I I
forgive myself for not being the best daughter, friend, sister, and person that
I can be. I forgive myself for being a perfectly imperfect twenty-something.
And the list goes on. I challenge you to empower yourself;
take the control away from the person who wronged you and place it back into
your own hands. They do not deserve your time, energy, or power. You on the
other hand? You deserve it all, and more.
